Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
