Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
