Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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