tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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