There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
