Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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