Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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