My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
