I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
