I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need a beard to bite.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize