My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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