I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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