What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
