Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
