The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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