Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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