it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
