I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
