I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
