I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
