Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
