Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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