I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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