I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
