life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
