The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
