now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
