I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
