Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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