Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
