two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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