her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
