When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
