im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
