This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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