...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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