I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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