how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
