You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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