I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
