I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
