people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
