I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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