I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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