I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
