I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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