How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
