i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
