The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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