i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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