what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
