dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
