I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
