When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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