Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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