Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
