I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize