Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
that's an acceptable place to lick
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Found your dick twin last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
