I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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