Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
